PRESS RELEASE: The only way to fully eradicate a cootch infestation is to conduct a thorough inspection & cleaning of the infected area. A professional pussy control agent will then use a variety of extermination methods to rid the cunt of disease & parasites. Given the rapid reproductive nature of Casey's cootch, which is more akin to a creature, it will not be surprising if the infestation returns to full strength just weeks after a failed extermination attempt. Therefore several exterminations will be necessary before the infestation can be completely eradicated. Due to the repetitive & tedious tasks that are involved with rancid cooter extermination, it's usually quite a costly endeavor. A collection has been started to help defray the costs. Please send donations directly to The Casey Anthony Is A Victim Foundation.
BREAKING NEWS: Forecasters say Tropical Storm Casey has a 70 percent chance of turning into a party hardy cyclone during the next 48 hours as conditions become more favorable for drunkenness. The slut storm is currently drifting south toward the Bahamas. Computer forecast models have little consensus where the storm will end up, but models on Faux12's patented Hurricane-Whore-Tracker show it moving generally north toward bars & clubs in the coming days.
BREAKING NEWS: According to the Anthony Family Slut Storm Tracking Center, a slow-moving, pathetic excuse for a tropical system with the potential to douse holiday weekend beach plans with tears of feigned sorrow developed into Tropical Storm Lee Friday afternoon. Louisiana's LaFourche Parish & the city of Grand Isle issued voluntary evacuation orders because no one in their right mind would want to stick around for another one of Lee's shameful, sissy boy crying jags. Residents have been instructed to don raincoats & keep umbrellas handy as it's predicted that Lee will dump a flood of crocodile tears along the Gulf Coast.
BREAKING NEWS: The Magic Tree Company & Casey Anthony will be partnering to market a chloroform scented automobile air freshener in the Pinellas County area this Fall. They are also releasing a special, limited time only Little Tree called "It Smells Like There's Been A Dead Body In The Damn Car!" It's an all purpose odor eater which will cover up the smell of rotting pizza or rancid salami as well as the pesky residual stench of chewing tobacco spittle. All proceeds to benefit The Casey Anthony is A Victim Foundation (A.K.A. her liquor $ fund).
We all know about the Nina, the Pinta & the Santa Maria but reports are surfacing that Columbus may have had a secret 4th ship in the fleet known as the Bella Vita. This boat carried a cursed cargo that would come to be known as the infamous Casey Anthony in a later reincarnation. Disguised as a perfectly wretched pirate whore, her purpose upon the journey was simple; To service the sailors venturing far from home on a perilous discovery voyage. She was infected with the bacteria known as syphilis via orgiastic fornication & introduced into the crew's unwitting midst with a cunning ruse set into play by Lucifer himself. Thanks to Casey's contaminated cootch, the annals of history have been riddled with the aftereffects of one of the most notable examples of demonic disease globalization to date.
BREAKING NEWS: An artifact from the very dawn of mankind has been unearthed which bears a striking resemblance to Casey Anthony. The archaeological find lends further credence to the theory that Ms. Anthony is, in fact, a demonic presence upon the earth that has been reincarnated in every generation since antiquity in order to terrorize humanity with her monstrous deeds.
My fabulous jurors just sent me this really sweet gift! I was also very touched by the card! It reads: "You seemed like a really good mom, Casey. Like you actually took care of Caylee. That's why we let you walk even though you threw her body in the swamp to rot and be eaten by coyotes. Only an accident could have made you do something like that and since you sucked your dad off before you went to school on most days, we totally understand. Love Always, Your Jury." Awwww!
Casey's too drunk to come to the computer right now. This is Jose posting. Thought you might like to know how my #1 priority has been spending her free time. Just another trashy, whore of a mess that I have to clean up. At times like these, I'm sorry I took her case. But she'll wake up soon, give me the best BJ I've ever had & I'll feel blessed once more. It's a dirty, skank of a job, but someone's got to do it.
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